My role in pre-production was co-producer alongside Katherine, which I found really exciting as this was a role I've never done before. Over the past few months, professional toolkit (in particular the disastrous 1st AD job) has made me question my place in dfsa, as I felt that I haven't fitted into any position that could lead me into a future job or one that I've been entirely comfortable and happy with. It wasn't so much a question of whether I wanted to be here (because I really do!) but whether I was worthy or good enough to be here, and I ended up feeling a bit down about this for quite a long time. So by the time pre-production for Elysian came around I was very determined that I needed to prove myself wrong and I was completely prepared to the throw myself whole-heartedly into the film. In my head this was my last chance, and I wanted to do everything in the world that I could to make this happen, with hopes that maybe I'd find myself along this journey. It really was a roller coaster ride, filled with extreme highs and some really bad lows. I remember the feeling of working so hard to make it happen, and then not being able to get a room and equipment. I remember the elaborate plans I came up with to sneakily book G27, as we were not allowed to use it because we 'were not doing photography in it' even though it was constantly free (we didn't use these plans in the end I promise, don't sue me, I was desperate!).  I remember seeing how low the rest of my group felt at times, after all their hard work seemed to be wasted.  I remember having the feeling that no one understood how much we'd actually done and worked towards, because of the room / equipment obstacles. My heart actually felt like it was breaking at times. I felt trapped in a loop of no matter what we do it seems to fail. And I was like no. No this is not going to happen. By this point I had become so passionate about making this film, that we were not gonna give up or lose the will to carry on with it. I remember spending longer than I probably should have, gathering all our information together and composing the project proposal / production book to best that I could. Because I really wanted to do the group justice and I didn't want to let them down any more than they had been. I think one of my proudest moments was when Rosie held up our production pack, along with Tom, Shahid and Lucy's, and said to the class how this was the standard to aim for. Silly, I know, but I remember after that getting little high fives from my group and being like, 'Oh my word, I did that!' It's the little things to be appreciative of! Every other task I carried out, before and after this, as a producer, I really tried to put my heart and soul into doing right from the synopsis and treatment, to the call sheets and production schedule. I tried really hard with communicating with our dancer, Emma, as she contacted from an Ad I posted. As stated in many an evaluation, I'm relatively shy when it comes to new people, but I really feel like I pushed myself, and after being the first person to greet Emma in person, to working on set, I feel my confidence has grown a lot compared to where I was when 1st AD-ing in studio shoot. This has been a major leap for me as being shy is a very hard cycle to break, and normally I end up very frustrated with myself. However this was not the case on this project, and I feel that's at least worth something. At times pre-production was very hard and we often joked that 'If there was a film god, he doesn't want us to make this film.' I'll admit there were days were I wanted to lock myself away in a dark room for a long, long time, but I didn't let that stop me and I'd always pick myself back up and say 'Lauren, it's not over yet' and I think that's a very good trait that I've learnt. No matter how bad things are, it's how you choose to deal with them that really matters and I think that's a valuable lesson, as without it, I don't think me and my group would have got to the stage we did in the end. And I admire them all for that. 

The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes. - Elizabeth Gilbert 

Looking back on it I think I'm glad we have had all the obstacles we had, as I feel we are a lot stronger for it. It's remembering everything that makes me so appreciative of the good times, and even more appreciative for the bad times, because they open my eyes so much wider to better things, and ultimately allow me to accomplish more in a deeper way I think. I look back and think of how we all felt when we secured our dancers and they were both lovely, when we finally got a room and equipment. I felt and still feel so grateful, and a special thank you to anyone extra who helped us achieve these things. You'll never know how much it means to me. 

Overall Improvements to be Made

• Stress control at times 
• Room for more confidence growth
• Try experimenting with bubbles etc in future
• Better organisation at times